Wit and Wisdom...

Don't go swimming with sharks
despite their wide and friendly grin.
They think humans easy marks,
and people food is not a sin.

Sharks might inhabit water parks
where you might spot their dorsal fin,
while they hunt food in circling arcs.
with napkins strapped beneath their chin.

Did they bark or simply groan
were they colored red or black?
How can you tell, from one small bone
when all the meat you really lack?

Those bone fragments that still remain,
are petrified, you must confess.
Their flesh, turned oil or gas methane
leaving just a presumptive guess.

They now could clone a dinosaur
if they could find some DNA.
Their chromosomes exist no more,
so petrified these fossils stay.

My p
arrot, has a strident croak,
betraying me ungratefully.
It will not curse or crack a joke,
nor whistle or talk or even try,
but It changes color instantly
when hearing someone tell a lie
which gives great cause for it to die!.

That bird turns green from crimson red,
faster than most street stop lights do
just hearing lies that someone said.
I am puzzled and angry too,
why bird I reared and kindly fed
will rat me out if I speak untrue,
and why it should turn parrot stew.

There are few foods, that I don't like
though there are some that don't like me.
Corn grits inspire my hunger strike
and other diners should agree.

All through the south, this tasteless grain
comes with each fried or scrambled egg.
I don't want grits, you might complain
but they still come unless you beg.

I don't know why they turn good corn
into ersatz paperhanger paste
which all discerning guts will scorn,
so grits scoot through, a total waste.

Biff the blade was consumed by hate,
and feared, by all who lived by him.
Flaunting Maude, his new bed-mate,
he bragged on her to neighbor Jim.  

Charmed by Jim, Maude forsook Biff's bed.
In bed alone, Biff stormed outside
and found the pair behind his shed,
engaged in sex, they could not hide.
Biff swung his blade, in just one sec,
through faithless Maude's exposed throat
so quick her head stayed on her neck.
"You missed." Maude did gleeful note.
Maude was surprised she had not died.
 "I never miss, you'll know you're dead,"
old Biff the blade so mean replied,
"First time you try to turn your head"
All Alligators I have spied,
     seem waiting for something to eat.
Out of mud they stealthily slide
     hungrily staring all bugeyed.
Some people wear their lovely hide
    as fancy shoes upon their feet.
They'd like our feet in their inside,
    since they like humans as meat.
Alligators, I have not tried,
    as neither shoes or gastric treat.
A simple reason, don't you see,
     I never eat what could eat me.
My folks, each meal, insist I eat
everything on my dinner plate
before I get my ice cream treat.
They plop on piles of icky stuff
and then impatiently wait
though I already had enough.
If I have kids, when I am big,
waste won't matter much, which is great
cause we will have a garbage pig.

Each spring I plant expensive seed
preparing for the garden show.
I fertilize and then proceed
to tend my plot with hose and hoe.
I watch the wild plants quickly breed
while my seedlings forget to grow.
I have this plan that might succeed;
Next spring, its weed sperm I will sow
to harvest the eatables I need.

When mothers need a recipe book
which sometime helps but it is true,
much worse than moms who cannot cook
is having those who can't but do.

I shall never die of cancer.
Dark Chocolate will finish me,
This self-destruction answer,
won't leave me deep in poverty.
I'll gladly let my waistline bulge,
and not restock my self drug shelf.
With Hershey poisons I'll indulge
and with kisses, embalm myself.

My check off list does help a lot
to help me know what I've forgot.
The only thing, I've somehow missed
is where I put that check off list.
If I could find my missing specs,
I'd find that list and break this hex,
but where's my list, that I can't see,
wrote to help my memory.
I placed it in a special spot,
but where that's at, I have forgot.

A houseplant is the perfect pet,
they don't make noise and never poop.
Just give them sun and keep them wet,
since they won't beg, instead they droop.
If they should die if you forget,
just dump their bodies in your soup.

    If you seek a pet that requires the least care, that can be left alone for days without soiling your floors, or scratching your furniture, the best choice could be a houseplant. They are so thankful when you talk to them kindly, appreciatively growing lush and green, say botanists who test these things.
    You can take a houseplant for a walk, and you don't need a tangling, troublesome leash. They will not fight with our people's pets and you don't have to toilet train or clean up their mess.

If you would keep your houseplants green
plant poop with the seed,
give water they need,
stir up their dirt and don't talk mean!

Why call them this if they're not flat,
usually round and somewhat fat?
If dropped, by chance, they go ker-splat,
and splattered mess is left thereat,
so squash seems right, let's name them that.