| ALZHEIMER JOURNAL
JOURNAL>>> I am reversing the order and will keep the latest up front...
September 2, 2010
I don't know wether I am advcocating reincarnation or recycling with this poem...
ETERNAL STONE
Majestic peaks, wrinkle and turn old
shedding rocks eager to roll with the cold,
sunshine adsorbing transmuted snow
destined for something, somewhere below.
Vagrant rocks will crash and crumble,
shake off their armor as they tumble
seeking freedom in the mountain stream.
In waters, nacreous they gleam
with their drab exterior worn away.
Exposed, mute words they try to say.
about their strange tumultuous birth.
From volcanoes and upheavals, Earth
spit out rock as melted magma chilled
in crystallized form, a destiny fulfilled.
Proud stone, will not keep its grain,
assaulted by wind or ice and sun or rain.
Downstream, rocks turn into stones and
then to pebbles, lastly to finest sand.
Did humbled, crumbled rock know it was fated
to be compacted, smelted and re-circulated,
to rise again in another majestic peak,
when first it tumbled in the mountain’s creek
August 31, 2010
It is now apparent that those people battling Alzheimer dementia are particularily unable to multitask. They must adhere to one project at a time, and when they encounter a memory block, they must persist and seek out that word, idea or picture by seeking synonyms that bring the lost, back. ADHD is thus, a real curse of needed persistence.
August 29, 2010
Mentally impaired or not, I activated my new phone and activated a Barnes & Noble Nook book reader. Still writing lucidly, but I resort to Google, Wikipedia and Oxford Dictionary for what was previously available im my memory.
August 24 2010
Minnesota Life responded with their promised call and my small policy with them is no longer a liability. Collosus crumbled, the corporate enemy graciously surrendered. When you are right, you must insist and persist.
August 22, 2010
I spent the afternoon repairing a virus-damaged computer of a friend. It fixed easier and quicker than I anticipated, much to my relief and joy, I was that capable. So far, brain impairment is mostly slowing of cognitive and much delaying of recall. My prayer each night is for retention of intellect, and hold aging at bay. I also beg for the gift of "wise choices" for my descendants. How is that for a challenge to a God that answers prayers?
August 17, 2010
Yesterday, I learned one of my life insurance companies had changed my asset acquiring policy, to one with a 24% penalty, and they appologized profusely for not notifying me. They said they were sorry They have not answered my urgent calls. Seniors are easy victims, and corporations know this.
August 13, 2010
Today is my wonderful and patient wife's 78th birthday. She ages so well and I have been blessed for 56 years. She deserves an appropriate gift, but I am the one gifted. Friday the 13th, again is a lucky day for me.
August 10, 2010
I, more than anyone I know, accumulate and interpet symptoms of Alzheimer's disease. I report mine here, hoping that my journal is useful to someone. I can type my emotions and observations almost automatically, using my keyboard by the touch system. Earlier today, I was attempting a task on my wife's computer, reaching over to hunt and peck a command. I had to search for the letters as I did not remember their location. Strange!!! But life is real and exciting, even if impaired or uneasy. I will not complain as long as I am not my brother's burden.
August 1, 2010
A week gone by, with no confiding in my public journal. It was a significant week as far as loss is measured. More battles to find or remember a word. Spent productive time on my one act plays, editing the first, and starting a new protest play on health care. THE IMMOLATION OF SARAH McGEE. I like it, but will audiences. I hope to see.
August 1, 2010
The plaguing pains, loss of friends and shrinking intellect inform me that I am in the process of dying, but then aren't we all. If I had these harbingers of mortality earlier in my life, I would have been more careful with words I chose, friends I picked and decisions made. I would have been a nicer person. Maybe, we should think about death's sure arrival when we are young and healthy.
July 28, 2010
Jacky and I are now minimalistically enhanced, wage-wise and know we are best served by the Democratic party. I believe that anyone earning less than $250,000 should share my politcal savvy, so why are there so many poor Republicans? It must be status, to prompt hamburger eaters to fancy themselves as elite or just greedy.
July 22, 2010
I have lived in many states: MN, TX, IL, AK, IA, SD, CA, OH, NY, NJ, MT, FL and finally, AR. Jacky and I have been warmly welcomed everywhere but AR. Is it because we are old...or outsiders? Is it because it is the thirteenth state of residence?Will anyone in Arkansas ever say, I knew the Bosackers? Will we ever have pleasant memories of Arkansans?
July 20, 2010
Today's sole effort at versification is a cheap and tawdry limerick, for Madeleine Begun Kane's content on Facebook. Why do these simplicities come so easily and yet, I struggled all morning trying for a suitable obituary for a dear friend and relative, Ralph Gale. Thank a merciful God that Ralph will not see my slipping literacy and survey my recall banks, as he always rejected computerized help, including WEST LAW. Is there another lawyer, not a subscriber. Above all, Ralph had principles! Others may slip slide into senility, but I believe that I have slopped!
A woman with several degrees
and many eccentricities
including a weird bod
does not think it too odd,
her boobies hang down to her knees.
July 18, 2010
After hearing the accomplished, sincere and personable leaders of AR democrats at the state convention, and rushing back to catch the matinee of Lil Abner, loaded with competent and startingly professional local actors, I feel so damned irrelevant! I now that envy is evil, but it sure is a consequence of witnessing greatness.
July 11, 2010
History consistently teaches that all religious fanatics who shout their ownership of God will eventually find their claim disputed. All humans recognize their Creator, even the atheist, yet we all argue, even with weapons of war, of who, what and whose Creator it is.
July 7, 2010
I think that life is somewhat like a skyrocket. We shoot up, display our brilliance and then often fizzle to the ground. Maybe those who
expire in the middle of whatever apogee of stardom, are the lucky ones. Irrelevance or fizzling is not so much fun!
July 4, 2010
MY GOD AND I
Remembering the instances that my prayers were answered, most frequently they were prayers answered because of my participation.
When I prayed; Dear God, help me to do some difficult deed or overcome some impossibility, my prayer was sometimes answered, and I reveled in the unique power of the proven God.
Of all the exalted deeds or acts of kindness credited to God, one must recognize that the doer is actually man. Charity, forgiveness,care giving and even love are humane acts, not deed of an omnipotent God. That is not to say that a God quality does not exist, inspiring and even instigating those acts. My easiest conclusion is the God I worship and pray to exists within me.
July 1, 2010
Busily creating a short radio play for our writer's group, and stall often, searching my memory banks for the clever trope' that lurks just out of reach. Sometimes spend fifteen minutes jogging and teasing out the elusive word. I hope my generic ARICEPT will keep me no worse than present, until my body wears out. I thank my Creator that my favorite indulgence is writing, and not something physical like hiking, as I am trapped in sedentary exercise.
June 29, 2010
Most Americans are survivalists and tolerate with no qualms TV programs that specialize in portraying brutalized corpses of many, many victims. They are disproportionally young and attractive females near nude, and skillfully altered cosmestically for realism, to appeal to the most bloodthirsty or prurient viewer. Viewers may be exultant that they survive yet, in a world populated by serial killers and assorted flesh hungry monsters. They may also become desensitized to human suffering!
June 27, 2010
Working on my Ozarks Dictionary an my resultant play, I find myself showing flashes of clarity and wit. Blank spots in memory are most resolved with Google and Dictionary searches. I would be happy if the status quo just continued.
June 20, 2010
I feel that I am a spectator at a match between ultimate death and the increasing oblivion of dementia. I can not influence the progression of either and I can't decide which team to cheer. I can only use the time before the end of the match, to increase my written legacy. A harsh contest to watch, but that is reality.
June 17, 2010
If I am losing cognition, why do the controversies headlined on television newscasts loom so well understood? Why are the players so transparent? Why do sinners seem to flaunt and emblazon their guilt? So much material for satire in today's world, but true humor is lacking! For instance:
Texas Senator Barton said...
I’m sorry that I apologized,
when BP oil was criticized
which lowered their stock
which really would rock
my investments, newly downsized.
June 13, 2010
Considering the depradations of present intellect and my slow wittedness, I am content that it is only speed of recall, so far damaged. Writing is consequently slowed, as I spend many minutes pursuing the right word, sorting through contexts where clues may lie, and badgering my memorie with similarities, and then googling references where that word lies boldly and brazenly before me. The last word defying me was "autodidact" and now, I cannot remember how or where I planned to use that term. Surely, nothing biographical!
June 12, 2010
I ask myself often; How do you describe the depradations of Alzheimer's disease. Today, I thought the bewilderment of this affliction is like walking through a strange woods, at night. You are constantly confronting new hazards like unforsee exposed roots or hanging branches. If you move slowly these surprises are less shocking and can be interpeted.
June 9, 2010
I have been mocked and cursed. I know of many people who dislike me, and a few of these disaffections were deserved. These can be ignored. The hardest unpleasantness, I have suffered, is discovering that I was in a place that I did not merit, and that awareness really pains if you are trapped and cannot leave.
June 8, 2010
Like a race between two turtles, I witness my decline in health and the increasing loss of acuity. Do the two afflictions lumber toward the finish line, or will one debility seize the lead and end the race.
My curiosity compels me watch, but my intense interest in the issue
lessens the pain. I can write with clarity and my output is clever enough to amuse me. Have I lost descriminatory power? Or is my word weaving still worthwhile?
June 6,2010
I have suffered many bad breaks and reversals of fortunes in nearly eighty years of life, but it is only lately, that I realize I truly deserved each and every one of them. This is a great and comforting revelation...and strengthens my Quaker beliefs!
June 1, 2010
Fifty-six years ago today, also a Tuesday, I married Jacky Colton in a wiser move than I have ever made before or since. As this is a journal about losing your mind, how can I not celebrate greatly the one day I began getting wiser, instead of continuing getting dumber. Thank you Jacky!
December 7, 2009
I am a writer and poet and have been diagnosed early with Alzheimer's disease. It is my intent to journalize my regression
and battle to fight the loss of memory and mental acuity common to this non-stop disease. I do not know my purpose in delineating my decline, but I sincerely hope that it may serve some goal. I will create a blog that records my unstoppable deterioration, and show my efforts to battle my nemesis. I do not know how much damage has so far occurred, but I can state that my one-time high Intelligence Quotient has shrunk mightily, and my oral communications skills have near vanished. I am virtually tongue-tied when expressing myself, although I can still communicate better with writing.
I shall keep writing although my dementia and memory loss will be detectable in my words. To what purpose, you might ask, and I say that I am a writer and so I must write. Whether my words are worth reading is completely your choice.
December 28, 2009...As the year closes, I reminisce about my hopes and concerns. I am happy that they are mostly of my family and friends. I hope that care focus remains on others during 2010 as I then avoid "Should have done" when self focused. I do recognize some speech impairment at times, but notice that I function much better when writing.
I find more embarrassing lapses of memory occurring, and ponder on the appropriate therapy or additional pill. Our children insist we both try Ginko Biloba.
January 5, 2010....Shocked by my inability to remember ingredients of my last meal, I panicked. Put together this rhyme, first draft which needs to be edited, and improved.
MY MEMORY AIDS
I've been blessed with long busy life
and accumulated much history
now ripped from my brain by the knife
of Father Time's dread lobotomy.
Seeking my name, I won't ask my wife,
without my Google, where would I be
I have archived just enough fame
during my cluttered and long lifetime
so that I can look up my own name,
appended to some good story or rhyme
and indulge in this hide and seek game,
hidden amid the spam and grime.
January 7, 2010...Smacked in the face with stark reality, I try to assess where that high IQ that blessed and cursed my eighty years vanished. I had applied to be a census taker, and took the competitive exam this AM. Wow! I did not do well in score, despite feeling I had aced the test. Time passes and we start our dying at birth. Some parts of us die earlier than the rest....Pity.
January 19, 2010...Whee, I can still write clever, sardonic poetic comment on the vagaries of political power. My satiric verse on Brown's win in Boston, and the power of money is great. I must confess, I have not found where I filed it, and cannot make MS search find it in my Wordperfect. You would have liked it, too. At least, I did.
January 28, 2010...Impaired or not, I still write poetry. I enjoy my output, too, and that is probably proof of encroaching impairment. Here is first draft of today's verse. Now, somebody explain what I really said.
FOR PEASANTS OR KINGS
On rainy days, listen as the birds sing
sweet melodies without a single word.
Birds sing their song for peasant or king
and maybe both are equally stirred.
January 31, 2001...Todays verse, a present mood piece:
FADING AWAY
Before those final church bells chime
will I regret failed tendency
spending long hours wasting my time
creating old fashioned poetry,
choosing end words that rhyme,
hoping someone will remember me.
February 8, 2010...A productive bit of writing this morning, provoked by nickle sized fluffy sized snowflakes falling gently to the ground, frosting road and highway. Remembered the lines from James Whitcomb Riley..."Snow had begun in the gloaming, and busy all the night, frosting road and highway with a gleaming coat of white...I must check my recollection how correct I am and to see if Aricept is actually doing anything.
February 12, 2010...Friends pointed me to, "In the gloaming" which I already remembered, but I cannot find my half-remembered verse. I do remember this day fifty-six years ago, vividly! I gave my heart and a diamond ring, I could not afford, to Jacque Lyn Colton. That was the wisest decision I have made in all my nearly eighty years.
February 18, 2010 A productive day of writing and a feeling of almost normalcy and cleverness. I do notice my speech or speaking ability is slow and hampered. I will try writing by speech, to see if it helps. I have become so single-tracked that I cannot write with even background music. Oh well, who needs multi-tasking. Surprised today to see my hometown newspaper printed my poem/letter I REMEMBER A YESTERDAY.
I REMEMBER A YESTERDAY
I remember a yesterday when people knew their neighbors well, and shared their joys and felt their pain.
There were no fences between our lots and the backyard parties were open and warmly shared.
We knew the name of ever neighbor and shared both their troublesome burdens and glorious triumphs.
When fenceless and backyards invited gatherings of these next door friends to celebrate good news or mourn together.
When everyone knew the name of all the residents on their block and trusted them with their chattel and all crimes were committed by strange people somewhere else.
When hard work built fortunes and no one relied on winning the lottery and banks could be trusted with your meager savings.
February 25, 2010...I do notice an increasing degree of aphasia, especially in groups. I do not feel impaired expressing my thoughts or emotions with writing, however. Of the many manifestations of alzheimers, meanness is my most feared impairment. I rejoice at my placidity, except for politics. I so angrily resent the tactics of the republicans who think that obstruction or even destruction of the government is a viable tactic to win elections.
February 27, 2010...Discovered a new Burmese verse form, Than Bauk, and am fascinated with its quality of stepped rhyme aphorisms. (THAN BAUK Burmeses poem form) I found I can still function with versification, quite well.
Too bad poetry is now so destroyed by the new literati. One of my quick samples:
The Spanish rain
falls most mainly
on plains, they say.
Ask why God makes
harsh earthquakes that,
each shakes our faith.
March 1, 2009...On this day, I showed Jacky my journal and we talked about Alzheimers. She patiently listened as I talked of my impairment, and my feelings. Nice time together.
March 3, 2009 New writers club first meeting at Hardy's in Paragould. I will attend but I believe most of my writing is behind me, and did not move the earth. I do continue to write but I don't match the past output, so it would be futile, except to show progression of alzheimers. I will post today's new effort...
Getting advice from anyone,
why is it always begun
you should have done?
Again, after reading the latest braggadocio news tips from Joran van der Sloop, I wrote:
VAN DER SLOOT
One killer I’d electrocute
is the Dutch boy Van der Sloot.
He killed Natalie, the world knows,
but where she is, he won’t disclose.
Joran admits, he watched her die
and only he can tell us why.
Holloway’s folks can only mourn
and curse the day Joran was born.
March 6, 2009...On this day, I vividly remember the unmatched bang-bang of two cylinder John Deere working in fields, even a mile away. I also remember two for a nickle ice cream bars that I could not afford and telephone booths where I could make a local call for a nickle, when I had one. I remember poor and I remember rich, and both were in the past, but rich was definitely more pleasurable. Now, I cannot remember breakfast even though I prepare the same oat meal every day.
March 10, 2009...Awaiting granddaughter Janessa's hockey scholarship offer from several prep schools. If the grant is large enough, she will attend a boarding school, next year. I have mixed feelings, but can't think of anything clever or witty. Today, I feel dull and boring. Is that my true self??
March 10, 2009...Since the 15th, I have been furiously writing a new play...displayed much of the first act at writers club, and they laughed and loved it. Much encouraged, I will quickly finish. It pleases me. No writing impairment shows, yet. Maybe, aricept works. My dear wife is now beating me a SCRABBLE almost half of the time, so vocabulary is slower to show up. New play is in Ozark idiomatics, so slower is actually better.
March 19, 2009: Do limericks count as literature? I can still do them easily. They seem to roll off my tongue, like drool:
A werewolf who lived in a cave
loved ladies he dug from a grave.
They never said no
or moved to and fro,
nor asked him to shower or shave.
March 22, 2009 Today I made a profound observation. Dogkeepers, who surrender at the dining table to their dog's brown pleading eyes, can lower their finished paper plate to the floor...and voila, the plate is restored, just like new. Our pound- escapee, Belle, claims that all plates are her domain, and she is a green solution, cutting down on hot water and on soap. I almost buy in, but sweet wife Jacky raised Hell, and I got a lecture on the difference between dogs and people. (Sometimes I prefer the company of dogs!)
March 29, 2010 I am abandoning verse until I finish my epic play, GOODBYE HAPPY HOLLER. I write slowly as I am now slow-witted, familiar words escaping memory, but when I persist, teasing away at clues, the words do come back. At least some of them. Google helps. If I can battle memory loss with patience, I am no longer frustrated. My brain reminds me of my clogging computer, but that, I can clear with a purging 'clear disc'. Oh well, life goes on, and I still enjoy each new day with my dog and wife.
April 1, 2010 With no vocabulary stress or forgotten thought...today's effort:
DOGS FOR DEAF CHILDREN
I have news for each non-hearing child,
some critics doubt or think untrue.
If you can’t hear, though loss is mild,
the good news I bring, is just for you.
I am sure God looked hard to make
some angels to help you do your chores.
God choose dogs to faithfully take
his love to those children he adores.
A deaf child needs a special friend
to help them hear, both night and day,
God picked puppies as the gift to send
to help deaf kids with work or play.
April 4. 2010 Pondering the contretemps of Alzheimer's disease, I have scraped together a few positives, I feel are worth sharing.
Victims always have:
An excuse for being late, forgetting a promise, a dreaded appointment or event, past sins, taxable income, the pain of past injuries, overdue bills, social convention like taking your place at the end of a long line, and most importantly, past slights and offenses unhappily received from friends or family. From bearing such a terrible affliction, small blessings are appreciated.
April 6, 2010 Today's evil effort...I can still create clever limericks, that please or tickle me, and I am hard to please with these crudities. I had better get back to my play!
A Bull swelled with concupiscence,
from smelling cows just over the fence.
They begged to be humped,
so over he jumped,
acquiring new adolescence.
April 7, 2010...Reviewing the plethora of limericks I have spun off the last two days, almost instantly, some quite clever, I question my Neurologist's diagnosis. Now I realize why my impairment does not put a damper on this type verse. I have no distractions like remembering my or my wife's name, or what day it is, which I can google by putting in one letter. But then, I remember Ogden something or other said, "Any fool can write a limerick", so maybe I will grow even more competent as a limerickologist.
April 10, 2010...Playing Lexulous with Madeleine Begun Kane, and the game is a real brain-stretcher, when pitted against such a wordmaster. We lamented on retirement of John Stevens and hope Obama has power enough to get John's equal on the court, okayed past a hostile Senate minority of naysayers. I wrote:
Fair Americans will rejoice,
if Obama’s Justice choice
can match John Stevens
who supremely evens
the biased Supreme Court's voice.
April 11, 2010...I love incongruencies. Those that are obvious mismatches tease the mind. Are they intentional or gloriously accidental. Today at the local Burger King, I saw an elderly man in ironed bib overalls. He was garbed in a very new brilliantly colored Hawaiian shirt, and new high topped tennis shoes such as were popular many years ago. On top of his head perched an old and faded White Sox baseball cap, that looked as issued to team members, and underneath his cap was an obviously expensive haircut. Now, I regret not engaging him in conversation, and I did not because I was too embarrassed to approach a strange stranger. Now, that was the anomaly.
April 16, 2010...I am increasingly aware of intellect slippage. At meeting last night, I became tongue-tied, trying to express thoughts quite clear in my mind. Oh me, oh my, how quick my thoughts do fly.
April 24, 2019...We members of the Democrat Central Committee of Greene County hosted a meet the candidates at Reynolds Park, and I eagerly waited for Obama to show. Pity, but we had a flock of eager candidates for a myriad of of offices, and the primary vote starts with early casting May 3. Too bad I cannot vote for them all! I did fail to identify most contenders, but sweet Jacky reminded me, they all wore name tags. I suppose that might have helped!
April 25, 2010...Church today, one Hymn resonated and made me think good thoughts; IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL.
May 2, 2010...Into my biking again. I am short winded so repetition is what I need. Can I still multitask, writing in my head as I pedal?? Tomorrow, I can vote in the primary early vote. I must review candidates!
May 7, 2010...Spent much of yesterday on the internet, arguing about what constitutes poetry and my claim that anyone claiming to be poetry editors, musto quickly read, accept or reject, or they are sitting obstinately on the dreams of submitters. Yet, they expect submitters to await answer before submitting elsewhere...how unfair. I showed my irritability with a self nominated poet and editor, and that is crude and not my style. Is this encroaching personality change? I would rather bite hemlock, than turn mean. Someone wise said, "Never argue, and he who must, argues with a fool."
May 11, 2010
The news media who all blitz on the same inane or bizarre stories, ignored this whopper. Our universe is coming apart! Saturn losing one of its bands. This is more important than Tiger Woods losing his swing or a girl friend.
I don't know if this was planned,
that Jupiter should lose a band.
The press sure ignored, their editors snored
or thought this news was just too bland.
May 15, 2010
Sitting at the computer feeling so irrelevant. Growing old is so humbling, and the loss of faculties is oppressing. It is a bit hard feeling grateful for being alive, but that is the must. The thankful engine propels us forward while accesories fail, and body parts fall off to litter the highway. I want to write something bright to lift
my spirits.
MY PRESENT MANTRA:
ALZHEIMER’S GIFT
My castle has been invaded,
the moat spanned and the walls breached.
Somewhere within
a prowler paws through my treasures,
purloining past and present.
Those precious gems of remembrances,
he sifts through with sticky fingers
and they disappear from view.
Capriciously, he teases me
with shadows of where they were.
This sneak will soon leave
taking away his every footprint.
I won’t know he has stolen my name
and wiped away forever my oneness,
and awareness of pain
or suffering.
No longer aware of my loss,
will I be victim or victor?
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