| AN OZARK POET WRITES
 OZARK
OZARK QUAINT TALK at the bottom...
OZARK CHIC
My suit is ages old but fits me great,
so I don’t mind folks say its out of date,
since fashion is not my strongest trait.
My truck was new in nineteen sixty-four,
and I watch the road right through the floor,
a safety feature that I’m happy for.
My rifles are racked where you all can see,
so no one chooses to challenge me,
they tend their own concerns sensibly.
When my working day at the mill is done
I load up my dogs for their work out run,
and we tromp through woods, for hunting fun.
My family agrees this choice is right,
since when together we always fight,
so that’s why I go hunting each night.
OZARK CATS
Trailing my dog down Hummingbird Hill
we heard a screech both loud and shrill,
from a giant cat, both wicked and mean,
the biggest old cat I have ever seen.
We both skeedaddled, while it fussed
leaving that beast to sniff our heel dust
It weren't mountain lion, I am sure
because this beast wore pussy cat fur!
NOW I AM BROKE
I only drink the cheapest wine
or make my own right off the vine
and I don’t ever chew or smoke
So tell me why am I so broke
I grow just weeds instead of grass,
send all my mail out second class.
I don’t snort snuff and never coke,
So tell me why I could be broke
I walk a lot, don't own a car
so do not travel very far.
Airplane flights, I think as joke,
cross country trips don't keep me broke.
I stay at home, don’t bus to work,
don’t own work clothes cause work, I shirk.
I’m not a wheel, not even spoke,
I guess that’s why I turn up broke.
DON’T SERVE ME GRITS
There are few foods, that I don't like
but there are some that don't like me,
yet grits inspire a hunger strike
and food critics should all agree.
All through the south, this tasteless grain
comes with a fried or scrambled egg.
I don’t want grits, you might complain
but they still come unless you beg.
I don’t know why they turn good corn
into ersatz paperhanger paste
which all discerning guts will scorn,
so grits scoot through, a total waste.
OUR OZARK AERIALIST
My Sister has a trapeze act,
swinging nude, our Susie does dare.
Our Sue is powerfully stacked,
so crowds would always clap and stare
and our side show was always packed.
They closed us at the County Fair
Baptist’s complained, said clothes she lacked,
and tried to run us out of there.
I was schooled which polished my tact,
and convinced Sue to not unbare,
I said Ozark men, she'd attract,
if she wore holy underwear.
YOU ARE A MULE
Your dad’s a donkey,
a white face honkey,
and then of course
your mother’s a horse
so from a biological rule,
you grew up to be a mule.
You’ll never elope
with an Antelope
or be quite sincere
with woodland deer,
you are a bachelor mule,
butt of hoarse ridicule.
OZARK DANCING STAR
This Ozarks farm girl loves linguini
loaded up well with tons of cheese
which puts on weight, the whole world knows.
This sweet heart is no longer teeny,
growing much too large to squeeze,
and each new day she grows and grows.
She can’t wear last year’s bikini
which she can’t pull above her knees
but she’s so fat that nothing shows.
If you buy her one martini,
she disrobes, and for pitched in fees,
stops dancing and, puts on her clothes.
ARKANSAS TRAVEL ALERT
August 28,2009
Tourists were welcomed, for their dough
traveling the road through Jericho.
The tiny town had seven cops,
for harvesting cash at traffic stops.
Their Fire Chief tried to complain,
but someone shot, Chief Donald Payne,
and bullet lodged in complainant’s hip,
from a gun held in some cop’s grip.
That traffic ticket was then dismissed
and all the cops that town did list.
Two hundred folks without police,
are now secured and have their peace.
Reported by the Ozarks Poet, Gerald Bosacker
OZARK BEARS
Few people see the Ozark bear
and I surmise the folks that do
see them just at Little Rock zoo.
Viewers are told and made aware,
that they are meat eaters too,
and you’d be ate, if they find you,
Caged Ozark Bears quite greedily stare,
at all fat people in their view,
and long to taste that tourist stew.
OZARK QUAINT EXPRESSIONS I’VE HEARD TOLD
For a house corn bile, he’d miss his momma’s birthday.
Quits his city job and now he’s a facing butt end a’hard times.
Came a gullywasher, uh sartified frog strangler: A heavy rain!
Snuff’n heel dust: Left holding the bag or deserted.
Sooo-eeed for hogs, and only raised thar smell: A wasted effort.
He cum bossed for cow, and only got thar smell:
We drove a country mile afore know’n we uns lost.
Yore beans is wuth sopp’n and written down in the good book:
No better beans cept tother side of Big Holler:
Town barbered and a’wearing shiny shoes.
Cain’t grow corn iffen the mules ain’t sweated.
Druther be stuck in the eye with a sharp stick.
Better than hot cider on a cold night.
Was a lot, sich as twas, and wuz tasty as much as there was of it.
Skinny as a sucked tight sody straw
A feller so rotten he’d draw flies in a snowstorm.
Crookeder than a chased pigs tail:
Lasting as a butterfly's kiss:
Sowurder than horse radish biled in battery acit:
Prettier than a new born pig: .
Looked second best in a two dog fight.
Squatting on a thunder mug.
When ahs a'resting, don't stop me for anything short of death.
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