This secret all dogs learns when very young
to help them faithfuly keep each man as friend.
A spilled confidence will most friendships end
so they wag their tails, and never their tongue.
ALL ABOUT DOGS (slightly spurious)WHY DOGS DON'T LAUGH
Unlike a circle, all alliances have a beginning and end, even the strongest or most lasting, such as the bond between men and dogs. Dogs may truly be man's best friend but that wasn't always so. If you are curious about how that intense and mutually gratifying affection between man and dog began, here is the true explanation. Although I wasn't there to witness that first discovery of reciprocal need, I have concluded what had to have taken place, based on overwhelming logic and observation of their diverse personalities.
Early caveman feared the curious dog predecessor which circled his campfire, hungrily drawn there by the smell of fresh killed meat. Fido then looked more like hyenas of today and they were possessors of the capacity to laugh. Not giggle or snicker but to laugh loud and sarcastically. That antagonistic affront to early man's dignity would have provoked him to fire off a bone at his circling tormentor. The laughter ceased as the animal happily seized the bone, beginning the symbiotic relationship which has evolved into a perpetual love affair between two animals that need each other and also explains why Dogs don't laugh at man, even when he deserves it. If Dogs ever regain their ability to put down their master, laughing like their uncivilized cousin, the hyena, that long and wondrous relationship will come to an end.
WHY DOGS WILL NOT TALK
Dogs, going more than halfway, in their partnership with man, learned to adapt indulgently to all man's peculiarities. For a while they even surrendered silence to oblige man's guttural attempts to express each of his emotions with a particular sound. This early barking and growling served man and dog very well until there was argument over who gave who fleas. Man, who had fingers and could point, won the argument, and dogs no longer cared to argue, dropping their progression in languageand that quarrelsome aspect that forces guilty man to always point at someone else. The central ethic for dogs regarding the man part of humanity became this; If you cannot say anything good, say nothing at all.
WHY DOGS WAG THEIR TAILS
Long ago, when man still lived in trees, cats were big as small cows and had teeth, long as large carrots. Dogs were very small and timid, and were the favorite food of those ferocious cats. Because their fangs were so large, cats couldn't fully close their mouth. Any animal that has their mouth constantly open ingests great quantities of dust, bugs and other miscellaneous garbage. Wide-open-mouthed creatures, are plagued with allergies, colds, hay fever and agitated tonsils which cause them to sneeze violently and for long periods of time.
Then as now, cats were crafty hunters, skilled at sneaking upon their prey. Because it was slight challenge for them to catch their intended dinner, cats have always engaged in release and recapture tactics not intended to torment, but to increase the challenge of capture. Had this not been so, cats would still be giant, sabre-toothed monsters and we wouldn't have any uneaten dogs at all. Because those small dogs hopped along erect, like kangaroos, they needed long tails to keep from tipping over on their nose. Those dogs that tried to escape cats were all caught and ate. Dogs, being smarter than cats, developed a strategy which allowed some of them to survive. They would stop, turn and face their predator, while humbly kneeling with their tail sweeping back and forth. This maneuver never failed to generate enough insects, germs or dust to cause the cat with shorter noses and open mouths, great paroxysms of sneezing.
Dogs survived, grew larger, learned to run on four feet and generally prospered but they never forgot to wag their tails. And they have never forgotten their enmity with cats!
WHY DOGS PRETEND TO BE DUMB
Animal Psychologists are unanimous in their mistaken belief that Dogs are incapable of thought. This misconception has been created by the continuing machinations of the canine world who can not only think but plan, plot and scheme. Their apparent subjugation and domestication is but a ruse, part of a long term plan to teach humans to love, other than themselves.
WHY DOGS CIRCLE BEFORE SLEEPING
Before Dogs became the best friend of man, they lived alone in the wilds. They avoided man because of man's proclivity to eat any other animal that they could catch. When ever dogs became aware they were being hunted, they would confuse their pursuer with false signs. Pursuers only pursue when they feel they have the advantage, being stronger or bigger so the most effective dissuader was to indicate their size as being much larger, than the pursuing hunter cared to could deal with. This was how the trampling down of a large area for their bed began. (The pursuing tracker was to be itimidated by themassive size of a dog's bedding down imprint.) This ploy was so successful at enabling dogs to evade their enemies, thatdogs healthfully survive and most foes of dogs have abandoned their pursuit, however dogs still circle before resting. This now traditional habit, has evolved into variations such as dogs chasing their tails and their quick adaptation to tricks like roll-overs and dogs dancing in circles on their hind legs. Our use of the term tailing is one offspring of dogs chasing of their tails, and the scientific proof of my theory!
WHY DOGS HAVE SPOTS INSTEAD OF STRIPES
None of God's creatures have recollections of their existence before birth, which does not disprove pre-birth awareness. Do you believe a merciful creator would send his treasured creations out into a cruel adversarial world without a pep talk or a preview of the game plan? Have you ever heard a dog called Stripe? God Warned them that they had the greatest numerical possibility of being called Spot, which would be a stupid appellation unless the namee had at least one spot, they accommodated God by choosing spots on their pre-natal postscript.
The trick most puppies learn while young,
helps them earn and keep each friend.
Shared secrets spilled might friendships end
so dogs wag tails and not their tongue.
Eloquent men who would disclose,
or match what dogs express, all fail
to speak what's said by wagging tail,
which is full trust a dog bestows.
No other friend you might obtain
would be so pleased to be your page.
When you are hurt and wildly rage,
dogs know just how to ease your pain.
Some breeders change this acolyte,
by breeding out each friendly trait.
Guard dogs that these fools create
won't even bark before they bite.
DON'T CALL BAD PEOPLE DOGS
Dogs don't cry or do confessions
though any dog, when mad, could bite.
They don't need analytic sessions,
cause if they're bad, they're not contrite.
Dogs don't lie or try to fool you,
if dogs feel good, they wag their tail.
Dogs can find each disguised virtue,
but their rapport is not for sale.
Dogs don't use insinuation,
never mock their friends or foes.
Dogs confer appreciation
with nuzzles of their cold, wet nose.
Dogs are always kind and gracious,
if they are shamed, they stay tongue-tied.
Dogs never turn fallacious,
I've never known a dog that lied.
WHY THIS DOG EATS WORMS
I feel so queasy and ill at ease,
but cannot pay a doctor's fees.
For my ailment they have no cure
since my woes aren't caused by germs,
so blame my brain, like Doctors would.
There's no one that I don't displease,
I'm just disliked and that's for sure,
no one bothers to caress my fur.
How neighbors act, I think, confirms
they're jealous of my bachelorhood.
Most folks treat me like I have fleas,
or smell like ripened goat manure.
I lick their hand each greeter squirms
I guess I'll go and eat some worms
since I am never understood.
I guess it's true, my boss agrees,
I've flunked my present sinecure,
and in the simplest kind of terms
I'm meanest dog in the neighborhood
and they are right, I'm no damned good.
MY BEST FRIEND
My best dog friend, eats broccoli
accidentally dropped upon the floor
Spot wags his tale so I can see
that I should drop my friend some more.
My dog eats stuff, I'm forced to eat,
if I might spill it off my plate?
Even liver, he thinks is treat,
and sweet reward for his long wait.
Mom does not know, I share my food
with my constantly hungry friend.
If Spot should bark with gratitude,
this partnership would quickly end.
WATCH OUT FOR SPIKE!
Yes, he's my dog, I named him Spike,
but be careful, stay on your trike.
Spike's angry, so keep far away,
while I try to hold him at bay.
Whoops, Don't pet him or you'll see
he's mean and he only likes me.
Okay, he likes girls in pink,
but only to bite them, I think.
Your so lucky he doesn't bite,
when you pet him, but still, he might.
That tail wagging is just an act,
Spike's really mean, and that's a fact,
Stop him! You just don't understand
why my dog is licking your hand.
Spike is starved and just tasting you
before he bites your arm in two
CALL ME BD
I'm not big on formality
so don't libel me with shame.
I'm your pal, why not just say BD,
I don't deserve that longer name.
One little thing, that sure bugs me,
although I know you are my boss.
Your lady friend, you must agree
is someone you don't dare to cross.
She does not like, my hugs or kiss
and meanly stands upon my toes.
When I must sniff, this irate miss
she slaps me on my curious nose.
Then when She yells, "Hey, punish him",
I hear again that dialogue,
but use instead, just acronym,
I hate your calling me "Bad Dog".